What AM I lOoking for?

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 The last time I was truly single, we were still on MySpace, carefully navigating the fragile politics of the Top 8. For most of the past 22 years, I was in three serious, back-to-back relationships. So conventional modern dating is relatively new terrain for me.

What surprised me most was how generic the landscape has become. Many dating profiles offer very little narrative substance — a handful of polished photos, curated aesthetics, glamorous locations, drinks in hand. It all looks pleasant, but it says almost nothing about who a person actually is. Looking attractive, traveling, and taking photos are not personality traits. (And to be fair, the same critique applies to most men on the apps.)

Looks change. Bodies age. Travel slows. Nights in replace nights out. None of that is a problem. What actually sustains connection is fascination — the inner life of a person: how they think, what they value, how they live, what excites them, and how much color and intention they bring to their world.

What I care about is substance. I want to see the quirks, the passions, the oddities, the rhythms of your life — the things that make you unmistakably yourself. I’m drawn to people who aren’t trying to fit a mold, but who have already broken it and built something more interesting in its place.

No one is generic, and it's just unfortunate to see so few leaning into the things that make them interesting and different. I want to help my partners grow their authenticity. 

Don’t misunderstand me — I’ve met many genuinely wonderful people, and several have become lasting friends. This hasn’t been a story of disappointment, just discernment. I simply haven’t yet met someone whose particular mix of quirks, depth, and cadence truly matches mine.

For me, dating has always been directional. Casual connection has its place and is a fine place holder so long as both are on the same page, but what I’m ultimately looking for is someone who captures my curiosity and holds my attention — someone whose mind I want to keep exploring. I’m interested in building a future together: mutual support, shared growth, and a life rich with experience as we move forward side by side.

At its core, I’m looking for stability, trustworthiness, emotional security, and reliability — not as buzzwords, but as lived qualities. The goal is balance across the full spectrum of connection: affection and play, desire and companionship, joy and practicality. A partner chosen not out of convenience, but because who she is — and how she lives — makes her worthy of focused love, shared effort, and long-term investment.

"You don't seem to have a type, the women you date are all so different." If you had to reduce my past partners to shared traits, there are really only two that consistently appear: intelligence, and a genuine capacity for lightness and play.

Intellectual compatibility has always been my primary attractor. I’m quick-thinking and deeply curious, and I’m most drawn to women who can meet me there — who enjoy depth, discourse, and exploration of ideas. I’m especially captivated by women who have something to teach me, who have developed skills or expertise through focus and effort, and who take pride in what their minds can do.

Equally important is the ability to be playful. A willingness to lean into silliness, and to participate in shared absurdity is a surprisingly accurate litmus test for joyfulness. I don’t pair well with chronic negativity, bitterness, or emotional heaviness. (Clarifying that not all the women in the pictures have been romantic partners as I likewise enjoy sharing adventures with close platonic friends. Costuming is something I enjoy because it makes things more memorable, but is a fun opportunity to both lean into the colorful, but flex creativity as well.)

Beyond that, my attractions aren’t exotic or unusual. I’m drawn to the same qualities that tend to make anyone compelling: kindness, confidence, emotional regulation, curiosity, optimism, competence, creativity, consistency, willingness to grow, and the ability to make good decisions. These aren’t checkboxes — they’re patterns of how someone moves through the world.

And while I enjoy expressing my masculinity, I find myself particularly drawn to women who are comfortable expressing their femininity in return — not as a value judgment, but as a natural polarity that feels grounding and complementary to me.

The couple that plays together tends to stay together.

I’ve often been told that I’m easygoing and adaptable enough to make a relationship work with almost anyone. There’s truth to that. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve become far less interested in making it work with anyone and much more interested in making it work with the right someone.

Compatibility in lifestyle, energy, and enthusiasm matters. I’m drawn to people who actively engage with the world — who pursue experiences rather than passively observing life as it happens to them. I’ve known women I respect and admire deeply, but whose preference for quieter, inward lives would leave me feeling alone even while partnered, simply because our worlds rarely intersect as I'm out there exploring life while they prefer to simply not. 

That doesn’t mean I need constant motion. I’m perfectly content with nights in, shared shows, quiet presence, and slow intimacy. I just don’t want a life that consists only of that. I want a partner who enjoys moving through the world with me — attending events, exploring communities, creating shared stories, and saying “yes” to experience more often than “maybe later.”

An adventure partner isn’t about nonstop chaos. It’s about shared momentum — and building a life that feels expansive, not contained.

 I’ve come to believe that relationship success is influenced less by what someone adds to a partnership, and more by what they subtract from it.

I’m 45. Lifestyle-wise, I skew younger in regards to energy, investment, silliness, and exuberance, but I’m firmly in a third stage of life where stability and self-knowledge matter. I’m not looking for a project, nor for someone still trying to figure out who she is. I’m looking for a woman who is grounded, secure, and oriented — someone with direction, purpose, and a life she already knows how to carry.

My working theory is simple: no one should enter a relationship hoping it will make them whole. A healthy relationship requires two people who are already capable of being happy, stable, and fulfilled on their own. Happiness isn’t something another person provides — it’s an internal skillset shaped by perspective, appreciation, and the ability to use one’s capabilities to meet one’s needs. Relationships don’t create happiness; they amplify or erode it.

I’m aware that being visibly joyful and energetic can sometimes attract people who see me as a potential source of happiness. That dynamic works briefly — until novelty fades and the unresolved weight of an unfulfilled solo life resurfaces. Earlier in life, I was willing to carry that imbalance. I’m not anymore. My boundaries no longer allow me to shoulder responsibility for someone else’s emotional stability.

I don’t want to make you happy. I can only make you happier. And there’s nothing more attractive than someone who already understands that distinction — someone whose joy comes from within, not from being attached to it.

What I’m ultimately looking for is balance — and that’s proven to be the hardest thing to find.

I’ve met plenty of people who are fun, expressive, and a bit wild. I’ve also met many who are stable, responsible, and measured. What’s rare is someone who has learned to integrate both — who can be playful without being reckless, grounded without being rigid.

Just as I’ve made deliberate, smart choices to build a stable life that still leaves room for joy and expression, I’m looking for someone who has done the same. That kind of balance tends to show up as quiet confidence — an assertiveness that comes from knowing who you are and being able to manage your own life.

One practical boundary worth stating plainly: I’m no longer willing to navigate is a partner who loses control around substances. If behavior changes negatively when alcohol is involved, then alcohol is the problem — not the circumstances around it.  This isn’t about restriction. It’s about sustainability.

I don’t particularly care what my partner does for a living. Income isn’t the metric that matters to me — effort is. What I value is the pragma of a relationship: two people contributing comparable effort toward a shared future, even if the forms that effort takes look different.

Purpose matters — having a reason to get up in the morning and engage with life is essential — but I’m drawn to people who are more than their job. Just as I don’t spend my free time talking about hospital operations, I prefer a partner with interests, passions, and a sense of self that extends beyond her profession.

Working in mental health, I’m deeply sympathetic to depression and psychological struggle. At the same time, I place a high value on self-awareness and agency. When something in life isn’t working, I believe it’s our responsibility to adapt, seek support, and make changes that move us toward sustainability rather than stagnation. When we are not in control of our emotions in such a way that we take them out on partners unduly, it is exploitation of kindness to expect them to tolerate it. 

Ultimately, the simplest way to describe what I’m looking for is this: like attracts like. Passion tends to find passion. Intelligence recognizes intelligence. Curiosity is drawn to curiosity. If someone resonates enough with what I’m putting forward to reach out, there’s a good chance we already share more common ground than not.