What AM I lOoking for?

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The last time I was truly single was when we were on MySpace carefully navigating the tenuous politics of our top 8 spaces. And over the past 20 years, I've been in 3  back to back relationships. So dating in the conventional sense, is a bit new to me. And I find that I really don't enjoy the swipe culture and the chronic dating lifestyle. 

I didn't expect how truly generic most dating apps have become. Very few have any narrative substance to them, a few words at most. The vast majority all seem to be women who are trying very hard to fit the look of a generic influencer: carefully staged photos with pristine hair, pictures in glamorous locations, all dolled up with a drink in hand. And sure, while they may look great, so very few have any indication of the personality of the person in the pictures. Looking glamorous, traveling, and taking photoshoots are simply not personality traits. 

In time, looks fade. We all gain weight, We stop traveling and going to the clubs and spend more and more of our nights in.  But none of these things matter as what connects us are the things that keep us fascinated with on another. I'm more interested in the content of the person, the hopes, the dreams, the lifestyle, the volume and color to which they live, and the expressionism. I'm interested in the things that make a person unique and interesting, breaking the mold instead of conforming to it. 

What I want to know and see are the things that make you, you. I want to know what quirks and aspects of your life make you unique and genuine. 

Don't get me wrong. I've met some truly wonderful people and have absorbed quite a few people into my circle of friends. I just haven't met anyone who is quiet compatible with the quirky nuances that I seek. 

And to those ends, for me, dating has always been a purpose with an end goal. I'm not looking for someone to casually spend time. I have friends for that. When I'm dating, I'm looking for someone who enthralls my curiosity and binds me mind to them. I'm looking for someone with whom to charge into a future together with, a life mate who would seek to support me as I support her, and enjoy the experiences and adventures of life with as we age. 

I'm looking for someone who is stable, secure, trustworthy, and reliable. It's about finding that perfect balance of the Greek loves: Agape, Philios, Ludos, Eros, and Pragma. It's about finding a partner deserving to be the focus of my love and attention because of who she is and how she lives. 

If you had to pin down the commonalities between the partners I've had in my life, there are only two characteristics that all of them share; intelligence, and willingness to be silly and join me in costuming. 

And that's exactly why I'm making such a push to find a partner at the Con as it's the one place where I'm most likely to encounter others with those characteristics.

I'm educated, clever, and a fast thinker, so someone who can match me on an intellectual level has always been my primary attractor. I yearn for someone who can engage in more in depth discourse. I swoon at a woman who has something that she can teach me and open me to new knowledge bases. I admire a woman with skills and talents developed by putting her mind to dedicated focus. 

And the willingness to costume with me is a litmus test of a person's ability to simply have fun in life. As my nature is very light, I don't match well with partners who are negative, bitter, cold, critical, or moody. 

I think it's fair to say that I'm attracted to what any of us are attracted to, regardless of gender:  kindness, confidence, responsibility, pleasant  nature, ability to laugh, curiosity,  optimism, hope, emotional control, consistency, drive, passion, trustability, education, knowledge, competence in skills, artistry, healthy lifestyles, making good decisions, talent, flexibility, appreciating, a team player, etc... These are just attributes that make us attractive humans. 

And as I do enjoy leaning into my masculinity, I find that what draws and attracts me in is women who lean into and revel in their femininity, a ying to complete the yang. And it's not a judgement of those who do not, simply something I'm wired to pay extra attention to. 

But as they say, the couple that plays together, stays together. 

I've often been told that I'm easy going and flexible enough that I could make a relationship work with anyone. And I think there is a lot of truth to that, but as I get older, I'm less and less interested in making it work with anyone, and more interested in making it work with the right someone.

So I think there needs to be a compatibility in lifestyle, drive, passion, and energy. I'm looking for someone who embraces the world with the same zeal and enthusiasm that I do. Someone who isn't content to passively engage in life, but pursue and embrace it. I know a few women that I am attracted to, and highly respect, but recognize that I would feel alone living separate lives as they just have no interest in any of the conventions or populated events that I attend and thrive in. 

And it isn't to say that I can't be content with a partner who prefers to stay in, snuggle, and watch our shows on TV, but I don't want a life that is only that.  So an adventure partner and someone who is willing to adventure together is paramount. 

I think what dictates success is less what a partner brings to a relationship, and more what a partner detracts from a relationship.

I'm 44. Granted, in regards to lifestyle, I'm closer to 32, but I reflect that I'm in that 3rd stage of life.  I'm not looking for a project. I'm not looking for someone who is still finding herself. I'm looking for a woman who is stable, secure, and had direction and purpose in life. 

My theory is that no one should even think about being in a relationship unless he or she is at a place where he or she can be happy, stable, and fulfilled solo.  So many people are out there looking for the final piece, as though they could finally be happy if they met the right man. When in truth, happiness must come from inside. Happiness is a combination of philosophical beliefs that focus on appreciation, and the knowledge and power to use ones abilities to achieve one's wants. That's about it.  Relationships are simply enhancers or detractors to happiness. 

And I fully recognize that as a bright and joyful creature, it happens quite a bit that I tend to attract people who see me as a potential source of happiness. But as soon as that honeymoon stage is over and that dopamine of the novel partner isn't hitting as hard, the anxiety and malaise of an unfulfilled solo life creeps back in. And where once I had tolerance to carry, I'm just at a place where my boundaries will no longer allow me to shoulder the burden of someone else's unhappiness. 

I don't want to make you happy. I can only make you happier. There is nothing more attractive than a person who has figured this out and moves through life with a smile that comes from within. 

I'm looking for someone who has achieved balance, and that's been the tough find. 

I've encountered plenty of people who are fun, outgoing, a bit wild. And I've encountered plenty of people who are stable, responsible, and measured. What is difficult is finding someone who has mastered both arts.

Just as I've made smart choices in life, I'm looking for someone who has likewise done the same and carries herself with the assertiveness and confidence that that brings. 

The unfortunate part is that most of my partners have struggled with some form of alcoholism, so I tend to be a bit cautious of that. To be clear, I'm a social drinker and enjoy a good party, but I just no longer have the tolerance of a partner who simply cannot control herself on alcohol.  If behavior on a substance becomes a problem, then the substance is a problem. 

I don't really care what my partner does for a living. What matters more to me than income is effort. That's the aspect of pragma, we each contribute equal effort towards a future together. 

I also have trouble connecting with someone whose entire identity is determined by her career. Yes, a career and purpose in life are essential, but just as I don't talk about the ins and outs of running a hospital all day, I prefer a mate who has other interests. But that said, it's not something I worry about with people at this con. 

But I think purpose is important. A reason to wake up in the morning and get moving. 

I work in mental health. I'm entirely sympathetic to depression and mental illness, but at the same time, we have to know ourselves and make life style changes that lean toward success. If something isn't working, then it falls upon us to change and adapt until we land on something that does work. 

At the end of the day, I think the easiest way to say what I'm looking for is "like attracts like." Passion is drawn toward passion. Intelligence is drawn toward intelligence.  And to a certain point, I think it's a fair bet that if someone is interested enough in what I'm putting forth to reach out, then she likely has a lot of qualities that I'd similarly be drawn to and find attractive. 

And while I have no idea what results to expect from this experiment. I can't promise that I'll always be available to respond right away or meet up right away. I'll be at the con with my brother for his first convention and my primary costuming friend. But I also wouldn't necessarily rule it out.