Relationship Dynamics

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 The problem with being an easy going optimist is that it’s easier to identify what I’m not looking for than what I am looking for because so long as basic conditions are met, there is so much wiggle room for variety, opportunity, and flexibility.
 

Typically, when we hear about people on the spectrum, we consider the issue of functionality and deficits. Many struggle with interactive quirks, being overwhelmed, or sensory issues. When I joke that mine made me a superhero, you could basically describe me as being hyperfunctional. It’s less that I’m trying to brag, but more to offer a clear picture that I’ve just kinda always existed as superlative in most aspects of my life, in a way that has more often been perceived intimidating. And that’s where I tend to find myself in the zone of longing for a truly compatible mate.  

 I’m pretty locationally locked in. I have a well established care at a hospital where I have been for 13 years, Making roughly 90k. I could be making more in other fields, but I love what I do in working with my staff and patient populations. While my income is not absurd as there isn’t a lot of money working in mental health. It’s enough that I am consistently stable.
 

My 2k square foot house is entirely paid off. It’s 100% solar, and ecologically sustainable. The the original portals been replaced with energy efficient, hurricane shatter proof windows and doors. It is entirely themed and has a lot of investments to every facet. Effectively it was created to be a sustainable house that will outlast me well into the future. I could never recover the nuance of the time and money poured into it to create a quirky paradise.
 

Similarly, as a “human collector, I have a rich and diverse network of more friends than I have the time to see as much as I’d like.
 

So it would have to be an amazing opportunity to get me to abandon a very stable living situation. Not impossible, but unlikely without a better alternative.
 

Similarly, I’m not looking for a long distance relationship unless there was a potential end date of eventually living together. I stay busy, so real in person connections that I can see, hear, touch, & smell will always hold more of my focus and attention. To those ends I prefer company and have no problems with potential partners moving in quickly to “play house,” and see where it goes. Some people have remote careers, or careers that allow for easy locational transition. In the past, I also dated a traveling validation engineer who returned every other weekend, which was enough to meet connections needs for 3 years before she turned from travel to remote.    

 My greatest joy is shared experience. As they say, the couple that plays together, stays together. I have a friend who I love and adore, we’ve always had that mutual connection, respect, and admiration for one another where a pick up and run with it relationship would be easy.
 

However, as she reflects, “fuck that, I could never handle the Conventions, or all that crazy stuff you do. My life is relaxing on the weekends and after work.” I don’t think any less of her for her presence. We simply reflect that our joys in life come from different places.
 

For me, I take huge amounts of pride in being that adventure couple. I adore costuming together, going out to events in complimentary dressing fashion or matched styles at parties. I love being part of something better than myself. E.G. I’m not just going to a flamingo themed party. I’m wearing a blue Hawaiian shirt with flamingos and pink khaki yachting shorts. She is wearing a tropical floral dress with punk flowers. I enjoy small displays of, “we are a couple, and we are rocking this.” I enjoy the compliments of others who compliment how coordinated we are.
 

I love having a photo album to smile back on of our memorable adventures. Of all things in your life, memories are the hardest to lose. Photographic triggers help neurologically cement and preserve those memories as well.
 

But there is nothing more connecting than the joy of knowing that your partner is enjoying and sharing the same experience of her own volition. So it stands to reason that as Dragon Con is a yearly tradition I look forward to all year, I’m most likely to find a compatible partner in regards to interests there.

 

I’ve had open relationships, I’ve had swinger relationships, and I’ve had monogamous relationships and enjoyed them all. What I have no interest in is Polyamorous situations. It's not a criticism, but a practicality issue for me.
 

Some may read this and angrily shout, “Open relationships and swinging are polyamory,” yes and no. Years ago, I clarified my stance in a blog for a buddy who was curious. https://writingtheunrightablewrong.com/f/lets-talk-about-sex-sexlessness-and-living-your-best-life
 

But effectively, in swinging and open relationships, the outsourcing is more sexual and less emotional. To pair down a lengthy blog… the success of a sustainable relationship most commonly boils down to two types of love, the pragma and the agape. Pragma in addressing the practical aspects of building a life together: commitment, effort, negotiation with the focus on growing old together in a way that ensures safety and survivability. Whereas Agape is that true love of connection.
 

Polyamory at its heart is just less likely to be sustainable simply due to the fact of holding all involved as equal partners. What makes any relationship unstable is simply due to the interpersonal interactions and complexities between each person. The more people added to that equation, the more complexities that can go wrong.
 

And while I’ve never been a jealous type, as sustainability is paramount to me, I’m simply not looking for any situations where I feel as though I’m second place where someone else’s need for sustainability will always take priority over mine. Similarly, though I have been able to divide and share my eros, philia, ludos - the lesser loves, my heart will not allow me to split up or divide my agape. When I love someone, my entire focus of emotion is on her. I want her to feel honored by being the recipient of all of my focus. I think there is something of a misdirection when people say, “I can love more than one person.” Sure, many of us could. But when we distill the practical elements of time in which we can communicate and explore that love, we are functionally limited the amount of love that one person gets access to. No one will ever be my lesser love. 

As I am passionate about everything in my life, I am passionate about passion.
 

I had a relationship with a wonderful human who I still love and adore. But when we connected, there was no passion there. Her struggles with anxiety made her very sexually unapproachable because she required constant walking on eggshells to be around least there be a panic attack. And I learned that in a place where I have no confidence in my ability to initiate and approach, and a partner who herself would never initiate, it simply became sexless.
 

And while it thrived in other aspects, that part simply had to be disregarded. But after the fact, I look back and think, “I did what for how long?” And so sex and passion (or at least the facilitation of it) is essential. And the sexless monogamy is nothing I could ever go back to again.
 

I’m demisexual and rely on emotional connection for arousal. She could be the world’s most attractive woman with the world’s greatest body, but if there is no connection, my cock says “sorry bud, this one is not for you.” But the side effect of this is that for me, because sex is entirely emotional, I naturally lean heavily into that which drives my lust, and gives me a very high drive.
 

Even if I just have a friend with benefits, when I am being intimate, during that moment, I am absolutely head over heels in love. But I keep it in the bedroom when appropriate. The side effect of that is that because I am so invested and involved, my sex life has always been pretty great and in demand. In the same ways that I’be always striven self betterment in all aspects of life, sexuality is no different.
 

So when I pair with someone who is equally passionate, emotionally invested, open, and fun loving, the sky is the limit. The problem being… sometimes an amazing sex life becomes a trap that locks us into relationships that we know we should leave behind.  

While I may be outgoing and energetic, I adore the quiet nights with just us, alone on the couch watching our favorite show. I’m not someone who needs to be entertained in the least. Whether alone or sharing time, I stay busy. But I consider quality time if just snuggling on the couch to a movie purposeful business equal to productivity.
 

I am equally content to do interactive things together such as video games, board games, skating, hiking, walks in the park, etc… as I am with independent parallel play. Wanna read a book while I game, great! Wanna craft while I blog, great! I just have a high appreciation for the satisfaction of presence.
 

I’m very tactile. Just small contact is very calming and satisfying to me. Even if we’re not snuggling outright while stretched out on a couch, I’ll probably have at least a toe touching.
 

I tend to be rather fastidious and keep a very clean house and tend to prefer relationships where I don’t have to prompt a partner to stay reasonably clean or share the load around the house. Gender rolls don’t matter. I have no expectation of a task per partner breakdown because she’s a woman. In general, I have always been a more diligent cleaner than my partners.
 

I think of it as relational socialism. Each to his or her ability; each to his or her needs. But a trigger for me is a partner who is effort averse.

 

You know those people to say, “I don’t need alcohol or drugs to have fun!” That’s me. But while I don’t need them, I’m not opposed to them.
 

I’m a social partier. I don’t really drink alone, but I’ll have a glass of while with a partner, or a few drinks if we’re going out. But that said, I don’t really drink often and never without a purpose. I’ve had maybe only 2 hangovers over the past 2 years. When I do drink, I more or less evolve into an impish fey. I’m giggly, happy, loving, hyper, and energetic. I’ve never been the type of drunk that has been a problem for anyone. I don’t really like to be out of control.
 

And that was the extent of my substance use until 2020 when the doctor recommended THC for my insomnia. I use it one night a week for catch up sleep. But I fully admit that I adore how amazing it makes stimulus for me. So I adore a scheduled edible and movie night with my friends and I while we watch whatever movie we vote to watch. I love how much I laugh, and I love how food tastes. And that’s the extent of that, no chronic use or issues if you don’t.
 

I’ve also gotten into exploring microdosing mushrooms which has been cool. For me, it’s mostly the drawn from my neuro background and the cognitive learning enhancement, and not so much hallucinogenic aspects. I may be open to trying some day. To be quite honest, I'm really just having a blast cultivating and creating weird alien life.

I'm hugely family centric, but just in the way my life played out, more "Found Family." 

My parents died when I was in my 20s, and I was always the liberal black sheep among a very Evangelical Christian family. So while I do keep slight contact with extended family, the really aren't a part of my life. My only real family member is my brother and his two boys. And I looooooooove being the cool Uncle.

I always wanted to be a father, but in my marriage, there were reasons why it was not an option, so the logical choice was a vasectomy. We decided that if we ever wanted children, we could always adopt. And I think part of why I went into specializing with children in mental health was that it was a way to be an influence and spread that fatherlike urge to raise to kids in need. It scratched that itch of giving back. 

But in the absence of family, I'm always gravitated towards found family.  I phrase it that I collect humans whose influence and kindness enhance my life. So I keep many friend circles with an eclectic mix of people. I have as many women friends as I do male. I've never had a partner that it's been an issue with simply because I value my friendships to the level that I'd never risk them. 

And while I enjoy the freedoms that have come with a child free life. I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of taking on step children, but I think there are two types of parents. There are those who become nothing but parents, and those who retain their identity and uniqueness. And in considering single mother's the quality of the person as a parent is a heavy influencing factor. Amazing mothers who also retain their individuality are attractive as hell. So for the right person, children are not a deal breaker.

Being someone who is happy go lucky, dynamic, and expressive. I'm drawn to similar. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and those that do, gain my attention in return. (There is nothing more disinteresting to me than someone who plays coy or hard to get.)

And my personality also likewise seems to attract those who are drawn to the bright and shiny. 

But from those who encounter me professionally, I tend to draw the attention of those who are attracted to men in power, who assert their will to get things done, have stability, purpose, and a stable life.

What I find I struggle with is attracting partners whose are able to balance both, which is what I'm looking for. I want someone who can be both equally wild, expressive, dynamic and fun, while also still ultimately responsible, content, stable, and with purpose. That seems to be the holy grail I have yet to find. 

When we were looking to be married, I was asked if I wanted her to take my last name. I told her that traditions are meaningless to me and I have no need to claim her in a patriarchal sense. I suggested that perhaps we could both choose values that we espouse. Because she also enjoyed science, I surrendered it to her and adopted Philosophy as my middle name. 

I've always loved philosophy. I've always loved to breakdown, diagram, and analyze what drives me, what motivates me, how I react as I do, and why I do what I do.

Working in mental health, I'm big on therapy. I've never really needed it, but always do a check-in session after a break-up just to check perspective. But to those same ends, one of my biggest strengths / weaknesses is that I'm fighter until the end. I will perform CPR on a dying relationship with every last ounce of strength until the absolute point of hopelessness. So when things get rough, I've always been the partner to suggest couple's therapy as if I've invested my heart into something I want to make sure that I'm doing my best as well. 

During a session, a partner noted that for her, she struggles with the confidence to ask questions outright and wish that all men came with an owners manual. The next week I showed up with one. As per our therapist, she had never seen someone define himself so clearly and thought that if all men and women could do the same, expectations and relationship navigation would be so much easier. 

And it's perhaps my greatest vulnerability, but if you've managed to read this far and are curious enough that you'd truly like to know more, I can make it available.